My journey to self-actualization; Lust and Hunger

For the last twenty-three years of my life I have struggled and not in the way most would think of. Economy is hard and stuff but that has been the least of my concerns since I happen to come from a wealthy background. But There’s somethings that has been bothering me for a long time? The answer to these questions is straightforward and rather peculiar to some people. I have denied my sexuality. Mind you I am female and have always felt uncomfortable towards men but it never occurred to me that I could actually be a lesbian.

My parents were constantly fighting and this really got to me. Only thing that kept me sane was the thought of Becky with whom I have been friends with my whole life. When we hugged, I loved the smell of her hair and body scent which even baffled and confused me further. At this point I started researching every material that I could keep my hands on. This is because I was beginning to realize more and more what actually turned me on—the need to be pleasured by a woman and licked well.

My attraction towards Becky grew further, whenever I went to visit Becky in her apartment I loved cuddling but it never occurred to her how it felt. As she cleaned herself in the shower I found myself wishing her hands would caress me and have taste of her in my mouth. I longed to pull her hair and kiss her tender lips. I wanted to rush in the shower but I was scared of rejection. That night I cried my eyes dry because I realized I was in love with my best friend and my whole body ached because I wanted her to reciprocate my feelings and love me too. The weight of the situation was heavy and this simply made feel me horrible.

Perhaps the only person in the world who had an idea I was gay and had no proof was my older brother who tried to hook me up with his friends. All the dates were horrible and he jokingly said that I would die a virgin. Also, the wallpaper of my phone was a beautiful selfie that I had taken with my friend Becky. My brother would not stop teasing me.you like her huh??Don’t you? This made me feel distressed but it also pushed to reveal my most dreaded fear to Becky. Every moment we failed to hangout, I was excited to meet her and yell on top of my voice how beautiful she was. It was terrifying.

That night it felt overwhelmed and said enough is enough. I called Becky and told her that I wanted to talk to her about something that was bothering me. She gladly invited me to her apartment which was a few blocks away. There we were, what do you want to talk about? She inquired rather concerned since she was aware of my parents fights. I froze and I started to tremble. I could not believe myself. She holds me down and convinced me that she would not overreact and she would be there for me. My thoughts and feelings were all over the place as I could feel her firm breast against mine. I gave up and asked her to lend me with a piece of paper and a pen. I wrote down, I am lesbian. Which I passed the note to her to read it. it felt worse because she was playful about the matter. Incredible!! Oh my God!! Who is the lucky girl she kept asking?!! I gathered all my strength and dropped the bomb shell on her. I am in love with you Becky!! What followed next made me wish that the ground could just open and swallow me.

Becky was shocked and explained to me that she was straight and was sorry but she does not feel the same way and that men rocked her world. How could she love men? Perplexed I ran to my house and started sobbed uncontrollably. Couple of days ago I had purchased a bunch of sex toys,dildos and vibrators with the intention of exploring my wildest desires and had a couple of lesbians films in my room. I watched nervously and tried all the sensual things I saw. My body exploded with emotions. The thought that I could not be with the girl of my dreams tormented me but little did I know that the world had other plans for me. With my sexuality now clear, I signed for dating sites where I met with my now lovely girlfriend Stacey. Determined, I am ready to live the world with no desires of a penis. Even now though, I still consider Becky as the one that got away.